Saturday, June 21, 2008
was eating dinner and watching the TV... All of a sudden, an advertisement caught my attention... a girl comes home and takes off her high heel shoes... she just dumped her shoes down before headng straight for the room without even glancing or taking a look at her father.. next day, she comes out of her room in her school uniform, ready for school.. she saw that her shoes were fixed up and looked at her father who was napping in the living room.. she walked over at adjusted his shirt which had rolled up, revealing his stomach... the word "family" appeared, following a black and wide image of the gal being on the father's shoulder..
a tinge of sadness hit me for a moment as i pondered about my father... its been a few years and i dun seemta miss him or think of him very often...my last recollection of having intense feelings for him was the day he was to be cremated... my hand was on the van with his coffin and i was staring at his picture.. suddenly the van moved too fast and my hand could not follow i time... i found myself grasping forward at nothing.. tears followed as an overwhelming sense of helplessness consumed me.. if only we had more time, perhaps we could make things right...
Dad would come home from work and i would rush to embrace him... he would hold me high up into the air and swirl me a few rounds perhaps, before putting me down... feeling giddy, from the vertiginous swirl of his strong arms or pure bliss, I will watch as dad kiss mum on the cheek... After dinner, a mischievious grin followed by shouts of "Playground! Shall we?" would see me and my dad runing out of the house as chants of "is your homework done?" from the kitchen languished... Out of the house, neighbours wave to us as i hear whispers of envy about what a great father and husband my dad is... hmm, its great that we are all blessed with imagination, don't you think?
31st August... me and my mum's birthday... a date my father never remembered.. or never really bothered about if he did remember... My only reminisence of him was how he switched the TV channel from cartoons to some drama when he dropped by my grandma's place where i lived at on wekdays due to the proximity of my school.. Going home on weekends felt more like a obligation as my dad would be out on saturdays with his friends till late before waking up at around 3 the next afternoon for lunch with us... My mum and I would then head back to my grandma's place... i remember asking my mum how my dad won her heart, and was surprised that the first diamond pendant and bouquet of flowers were all firsts that my mum had received.. money matters paved the way to the downfall of my parents' marriage, perhaps precipitated by a blend of social norms and my mum's superior income over my father...
I always had intense fears of being an inadequate boyfriend.. and husband or father in future... what I longed for in him formed a stark comparison with reality, one which i strive not to repeat... I fought for good grades and a scholarship hoping to secure my future finances... I remind myself to not only love cherylene but let her feel loved... and make up with effort and affection as to what a richer boyfriend might be able to do while i cannot... and i hope my child, mum and my wife would busk in bliss...
Those whom i love but have failed to let you feel so i beg for forgiveness... those who love me i promise to give my all... and may reality never besiege my dreams =)
weilie * 4:06 AM 0 rocked with me
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